Your Kid May Not Turn Out To be How You Mould Him/Her

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As I watched my husband scurrying along to liaise with the rest of his family members for his mom's upcoming birthday, I cannot help but think, "My husband is definitely a family man and I'm proud of him (Disclaimer: He is also absolutely extremely capable of driving you up the wall as well.) When I first joined the family, his family members proudly regaled tales of how he made them chase him around the kampung and things he got into that were bound to be of any parent's nightmare. Now, as we joke and laugh; they would watch him in silence and then remarked with a hint of pride that he has changed and grown into a fine young man.

His mom would often tell me tales of him and he, of his past. I could see how his mom have done certain things in the hopes that he would grow up into a person who with character and to be able to lead an independent life with resilience and yet not forgetting the family. He, on the other hand, told me tales of his experience when he was young and and learnt but not necessarily at home and under the watchful eye of his parents.

Truly, the mantra that I stood by reflected as I compared the stories. Experience, character, personality and perspectives truly shape a person. If a person never encounter first hand of things - no matter what we do and how we hope to mould a person - will not be able to come in to fruitful being.


Before I joined the working world, I was an extremely idealistic person. I had dreams, plans, thinking that everyone will be as straightforward and as honest as I am and others. Thoughts of how different people acting differently to the same situations left me perplexed and frustrated. I was stubborn on issues that I felt was right and would voice out my feelings. My feelings were open and my opinions were vocal. I always felt if there is something wrong; people should just gather and be honest with one another.  After all, my past experience taught me that this is how things should be handled and this limited my perspective of the world. I did not consider how to look at different angles to a certain issue. My husband always said that I was someone who would be eaten alive as I do not know how to handle people; especially those who think and have very different needs /issues from me.

When I started to join the working world, did I learn fast about things about handling people! I had realised by then that there are people with very different needs and wants from me and the same situation can diverge into so many perspectives - it's scary. Many things that I once took for granted have started to come into play (but there's no point going into it here). All in all, the experience has taught me that it has become a necessity to change my perspectives for several issues I was stubborn about before and this has, no doubt, slightly change or shape my thinking. My character is harder to change but I learn the importance of having to adopt different personalities for different situations.

I also got to talk to more people and learn more about them and their family members. The stories are mainly the same; the methods their parents have used to bring them up, the experience they went through without their parents and how their peers have also helped to shape their thinking and behaviour patterns without realising. Their experience from birth to childhood have shaped their character and when they are with their friends or out in the society early; their personality ( which has been formed earlier) and cognitive thinking starts to take shape (This happens especially when they are teenagers) . They will encounter new experiences all the time and their perspectives either widened or narrowed (again, peers play a much more influential role than one thinks and admits) as they try to make sense of these new experiences. If they have a healthy limbic system and cortex, they can make the association between them very quickly (perspective widened) and vice-versa (perspectives still remain narrow).

This is one reason why some people may go through the same experience several times but never learn from them or only make changes when they are forced to via punishment or by negative implications. This is also the same reason why there are people who goes through it once, learn from it, and then make appropriate changes should a similar situation appears again. They would try what they have thought and judged to be an appropriate response to the situation; other factors such as time, people, environment notwithstanding.

Yet, I must admit that only life is more interesting this way. Without experiences, without different thinkings and views - life can only be so challenging so far and one would never grow to truly understand life and be shaped as the person one wants to be.